dreams of my father

Family is a sore spot for many people, I imagine. I am one of those people. When I was a kid, I looked up to my dad and thought, "My daddy is the greatest man in the world." He could do no wrong. He was so smart, athletic, and a good talker. I wanted to be just like my dad when I grew up. I thought, "If I grow up to be half the man my father was, I'd be happy." But that image of my father changed about eight years ago.

In 2002, He left our home, and through that action, I felt all my love for my father instantly change into hatred. I thought, "How could he abandon us?" In my anger, I did not do as Paul said in Ephesians 4:26 (Be angry and do not sin.) Instead, I sinned a lot. Either I said things to my father that were incredibly hurtful or I completely ignored him. I was a bad son and I felt justified, a dangerous combination. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt. I was so selfish and in so many ways I still am. Yes, he left me to deal with the realities of the situation that my mom was in. Yes, he left the woman that gave me life. But, I took vengeance into my own hands rather than leaving it to God (Rom 12:19) to work in my father's heart. I think that my sins complicated the matter and I accept my level of responsibility for the state of my family. I know I need to love, care for, and pray for him to forgive me for the terrible ways I reacted and that will be a long process as well. I don't know where he is with His walk with God, but I do know that he's been hurt by my mom. He doesn't understand how a person can read her Bible daily, but still be so unloving and ungracious.

The truth is, my mom is like that because she is hurt and she's reacting with defense mechanisms so she can try to avoid pain, but that never works. She wants to be loved again by her husband like Christ loves the Church, probably more than anything in the world. And my dad wants to be respected again by his wife like the Church respects Christ, but the truth is, they're both too stubborn to seek Christ to change them. My mom might pray for God to change my dad, thinking she has done her part and my dad might not pray at all. But the heart of the matter is that they want the other person to initiate. They want to be the forgiver and sought after with loving kindness. Ok bear with me: this is where the theology rubber hits the real life road.

I am a complementarian and I believe the Bible is clear about that. (see Eph. 5) But beyond the Scriptures (which are more than sufficient to prove the point in my mind), there is the practical element of the roles in which husbands and wives are called to. If this perspective is not true, who does the initiating in the situation with my parents? If both of their roles are equal, can't the argument be made that in their stubbornness, neither needs to lead them through the healing process? Or maybe the argument is that both need to lead them through the process, but what if there is a dispute as to where they go next, who has the responsibility of making the call? I think the Bible is clear that it is my dad's role to take the lead. To primarily admit his wrong, but also to voice where she has wronged him. and I think it's my mom's role to listen to what he says, voice her thoughts and submit to his leadership, like the Church submits to Christ.

Now submission is something that is very touchy, I want to clarify my thoughts on submission. If we have a problem with submission of a wife to a husband, I think it is mostly due to the abuse of this passage in the past as well as the cultural connotation that exists. Eph 5:24 says,

"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."

It does not mean that wives cannot think for themselves or that the husbands are to rule over them with an iron fist, controlling their every move. In fact, Eph 5:25-27 says,

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."

This is not a push for dominance. Nor is it a marker of superiority, it is a call of great responsibility. It is a heavy call to be expected to live up to the standard of sacrifice and love for your wife that Christ had for the Church. In fact, I believe in in some ways husbands will be judged by how they were at pointing their wives to their sanctification, through Christ. This is by no means the "easier" of the two roles. I think both are different and both are difficult, impossible without Christ. My last thought here on the theology of complementarianism is this, if we have a problem with the idea of wives submitting to their husbands like the Church does to Christ, in many ways, we have a problem, being part of the church, submitting to Christ. That is one major thought that we must wrestle with if we are to claim other than what the Scriptures say. I could literally go on for days, but I will leave it as this, if you have a conflict with what I am saying or flat out think I'm an idiot, please bring it up to me. I'd love to discuss it and see where God leads us in that conversation.

OK back to family. All this to say, I want my daddy back. I want to look at my parents and say,

"In my family is a godly man, who loves the Lord and lovingly took his hurting wife by the hand to lead her and there is a godly woman who trusted God enough to hold his hand and be led by the man who deeply hurt her and together they walked through the fire of pain and suffering of 30 years of a rocky marriage and by God's grace, they came out centered on Him and deeply in love. "

But this process starts with, well God, then my dad's initiation. I want to see the superman, who was so worthy of being looked up to. I want him to sacrifice his pride and his plans for his bride so he may present her without spot or wrinkle, but holy and without blemish. But for us to be united as a family again, we need Christ. Would you please pray for us as we continue this long and painful journey?

weird thought

So i realized today (and quasi-fact checked) that the age I am at now is the same age (i think) a mentor and close friend of mine was when I was entering college. that seems like such a strange thought, but let me explain. I bring it up because as i think about the risen seniors (now freshmen) who have left boston to go to other places to study, I realize I'm on the other side of this counselor/student coin.

I was there once. I left to study away from my home church. I'm reminded of who i was when i was there and how this friend would check up on me from time to time. He'd make the trip out to worcester for an hour or two just to grab a meal. I didn't realize until my four years of college how significant that was and now eight years removed from my freshman year, i am now thinking about and ministering to college students. Oddly, feel the urge to check up on those freshmen who left boston and maybe i'll make a trek out to wherever they are just to spend some time together.

my motivation for this is not because my mentor did it, although I wouldn't be surprised if on the subconscious level that might be there. No, I am motivated to do so because God put that on my heart, even before the summer was over. This feeling has just been churning and fermenting in my heart (the good fermenting, like kimchi). Now it seems to have come to a head. This recent flare up of interest stems from the ramdon desire to contact a couple of these students, wondering how they were doing. Providentially, one was wrestling with something and responded to share and ask for prayer. It reminded me of how God has amazing plans for all of us, nudging my heart at the precise moment of difficulty for this undergrad. Praise God because He chooses to use us in His work and because there is not a need that He will not meet or has not already met.

Anyway, I don't know how this student is going to be in four years or what he'll do in between now and then. He might make the same mistakes I did in my undergrad years or he might build his life and hope in Christ in a way that his relationship with God is one that I can only dream about. I certainly hope it's the latter, but I can say that realizing what it's like on the other side of this coin, I am starting to learn to trust in God's hand in others' lives because His hand is mighty and His love is great. I hope that student recognizes that he is cared for, not only by me, but by the Creator of the universe. Much hope lies in such truth.

Sharing is Caring

Sitting up in my bed on this lovely saturday morning, I am compelled to talk about the Gospel. Maybe its because my church recently finished a series on the richard sterns' book the Hole in Our Gospel. Or maybe its because I recently finished reading one of the Gospel accounts. or maybe because its so magical and revolutionary (and cost an unbelievable price).

When I was younger, I thought the Gospel was simple and in many ways it is (isnt this how many of us start out?) but as we grow in age and in faith, we realize its a bit more than "if I believe, I will go to heaven." It is that, but it's so much more. It's more complicated when you scratch beneath the surface. When you get into concepts like a believer's inability to work to earn salvation, or how we inherit sin through one man (Adam) but are justified through one man (Christ) it creates divisions in a way. This division is created not because one believer is more valuable than another, but simply because God has blessed each one in different ways.

The first division is those who have the shallower understanding. They might be still caught in the amazingness of being saved, but struggle with the details of how it all works. High emotion, low understanding. The next division is those who have a deeper understanding. They might academically comprehend some of the more complex concepts of Christianity, but might not be as "in love" with Christ. Low emotion, high understanding The final division is those who understand the most about Christ's death and resurrection and what that means for one's life and because of that they are incredibly in love with what God has done to save them. High emotion, high understanding.

I am no experienced theologian, but I am an observer and I think that many people (perhaps most) are in this second division. I think that they get there because perhaps they have reached a point where they feel like being a Christian isn't all the different than not being one. When the first believed, they would read their Bible everyday, they would pray to God constantly, or they would have their favorite worship song in their head all day. But after the novelty wears off life is still there. Jobs and work still need to be done. Families and friends still need to be taken care of. Problems still exist. And because our life situations are no different than for those who do not believe we think, "yeah being a Christian is cool, I have a God who cares for me and I can pray to when times are tough, but I guess being Christian is not that different." Now they might not consciously say this, but their actions say it. This is all I can judge as I cannot judge one's heart. And I can speak for myself and my past. I used to be like this God was a safety net for me, a life preserver. and He is, but He's so much more!

My friends, if you are feeling like church is more of a social club than a place of worship or if you are feeling like God is a part time thing, I suggest you sit down and read your Bible. I know that sounds corny and sunday-schooly but, in there you find God's love letter to you. Love to us in this modern era is an emotion. We feel love, but love described in the Bible is an action. It is something we do and something God does and did. So the Bible is a documentation of His love actions.

So pick it up and see how God, the creator of the universe, sent His Son to earth, being fully human and fully God, to be beaten, mocked and to die a horrible physical death and have the wrath of the Father poured out on Him and for the first time in eternity be separated from the Father. All for the sins of the world. For your sins. For you, who He chose to believe in Him despite your past, despite your sinful nature. Not only did He choose you to believe in Him, but because you believe you are saved from your sin and from eternal damnation. And you have been chosen to be and are now able to be in an intimate relationship with God.

If that doesn't take your breath away and reinvigorate you to give your life to God, pray that He would give that to you. Because when God saves us, that is what He requires, our life. This makes many of us feel uncomfortable because very few human institutions, if any, have taken someone's life and used it in a good way. But God is pure and perfect and He is calling us to be stewards of all He has given to us, from money to our bodies and what we do with them. Or to tie in with what I've been learning about, all of our words and deeds. We have been learning how must share the Gospel in word and in deed. God wants our lives to preach and point to Him. What we give, what we buy, what we look at, what we read, what we wear, where we work, where we play, etc. But He also wants our words to preach and point to Him. That means being pure and uplifting in our speech, but it also means verbally sharing the Gospel. If it is indeed true that most of us are in that second division, it is no wonder we are not sharing the Gospel. We are no longer enraptured by God and don't think it to be that different. We are more likely to tell others about a sale at the Gap, than about Jesus. But if the truth of what God has done is something that is constantly in our minds, sharing the Gospel would be something that just overflows from us. With that being said, I haven't met a ton of people who just outpour the Gospel in word and I think that is because it is something that we must cultivate. So let's do this side-by-side.

If you are no longer in love with Jesus, pray and ask God to change your heart. He will show you in the Scriptures, so you have to read. If you are in love with Jesus, but are scared to share, you have to cultivate boldness. If you are really serious about evangelism, start by meeting a stranger. See someone you don't know on the train or at the market (or wherever) and just say "Hi" or "How's that book?" or "I like that cereal too" and start a simple conversation. It could be very brief and maybe they don't want to talk to you, but if you take a step out, you will be taking a step to being more comfortable sharing about something as intimate and life-changing as the Gospel. If you do it, post a comment and we can praise God for giving you boldness!

This is not fully coherent as I kind of just typed, so I apologize for being ineloquent and if it is unclear. But at the heart of this post is a cry for those of us who claim Christ to rediscover why the Gospel is as good as people say it is and if you do not believe, this is an invitation to find out the same thing.

the hope of God?

In the midst of a tower of work and studying to do i'm feeling reflective.

Recently, I took a personality test and one of the results said that I have a depressive tendency. Oh I should qualify, I am not seeking pity or any response like that. This post is really for me to get my thoughts down in writing so I can reflect and perhaps go back at a later time to draw conclusions. If this entry helps you in any way, then praise God for that.

Ok back to my result. its interesting because i never thought about my depressive tendencies until that test. but it made sense and it's nights like tonight that really confirm it. (stress from school, work...life.) I don't understand how when I'm not sad I have such hope even when i'm against all odds, but once sadness gets mixed in, i'm a wet tissue and it seems like the hope of God I so strongly held on to before, crumbles before me hands. It's no less real when I'm sad, yet it's almost like I never knew it.

This really points to how I havent submitted everything in my life to God and how a part of me is clinging on to an alternate (false) reality that holds up something higher than God (myself probably) and that thing (about me), whatever it is, is being attacked and i don't like that and so i crawl into myself and I throw a pity party to console that part of me rather than cling to the more-than-sufficient hope that is in Christ.

I do wish I could overcome this. I wish that in times of sadness i could reflect on how God has delivered me from many things, namely myself and believe that whatever I am holding on to will not bring me true joy, peace or self-worth. Yet, I linger in my pity and coddle and baby my wretched sinful self. I tell myself there is something I can do to be better or that I deserve something. The reality is that I don't and that there really is nothing I can do to make myself better. But God can make me better because he already has. His death and resurrection has given my true worth and until i fully embrace that reality i will always be a half-opened wound that is just dying to bleed at the slightest injury. its scary thinking about that and me being a pastor.

Pray for me, please.

Just glad to be on the team, Coach.

Today has been a long day, I've been running back and forth and I am ready to sleep and wake up tomorrow for class and work, but I wanted to get some thoughts down before I forget them all.

This morning, I had to be at a work meeting, which always make me quite reflective (3m). Sharing a Sunday morning with people who do not necessarily share the same faith background as I do is always an interesting change of pace. Listening to them speak about our work and how we make a difference in the lives of our customers is kind of cool because in a lot of ways I see what they're saying. We do make a difference in the lives of people we interact with at the store, but at the end of the day, I'm not sure how much of an eternal impact we're making.

And for the record it is only by God's grace that I look to the eternal, because He knows if I were left to my own devices, I wouldn't be able to look past the hour. Let me be clear, I'm not trying to down the people at work. I do think what we do can be quite significant, but I'm just saying I think there are some more meaningful ways to add to someone's life and that makes it hard when it seems like we're making ourselves to be the end all be all. (Seems like.)

But all in all it was a good meeting. It reminds me of why I'm there and of how cool my work can be. Needless to say I'm probably gonna stick around for a lil bit more, especially considering the manageable amount of hours I've been given recently.

After that, I went into the city and had lunch with a couple of good friends. They're all in different places in life, but it was really cool seeing how God is working in them. Being their friends has been quite the ride. I look back on the few years that I've known them and I praise God because I can track the results of His presence in their lives. When we first met it felt like we were children (big kids), but reality is, it has only been a few years and to see such growth is pretty extraordinary. I'm astonished at how God has brought them from point a to point b. I wouldn't have even thought to connect the dots that way, but I can see why/how He did. They're living proof that God's pretty good (aka known as: amazing) at this whole leading people thing. It makes me smile. For real.

Finally, after that I briefly spoke at a gathering at a Boston area university and all I can say is that I am just happy that God has made me how I am. It's so odd to think that speaking about my life can have a sliver of significance in the lives of other people and truth is, short of the Spirit's work, it is meaningless. But that's the beauty; the Spirit works so wonderfully. Tonight it was just shocking how well the two speakers' talks and my testimony aligned. They just flowed really well into one another. Almost like we collaborated, but we didn't. It's my conclusion that God weaved them together for us. Afterwards, a few students came up to me and talked about their lives pretty openly and shared what they struggle with as if I was talking to just them tonight. That has nothing to do with my ability to speak well, but it is about something far greater than me. I hope I never lose sight of how awesome it is that God works through such unimpressive beings, like myself, to do His will.

What I've been learning (outside of seminary)

I've learned a lot the past few days and ironically, I'm not even in classes this week. This past weekend I was a counselor at a youth retreat in NH and went through a couple waves of processing and after all was said and done I have come to a major conclusions about myself.

That conclusion is that I do not trust God enough. Some of you who know me might be wondering why because God has brought me through so many difficult situations. Surely, I have seen God's guidance and leading. This is true, God has done miraculous things in my life and I trust Him a great deal for my own life, but the lack of trust I am speaking of is in God's ability in other people's lives. This past weekend I found myself needing to address issues with students who were misbehaving or at least not paying attention to what I found to be very relevant points to their lives. After much reflection, I realized that I was giving myself too much credit/power. I in my mind felt that I needed to address these issues or else the student(s) would never be set straight. So instead of finding a good balance between grace and discipline, I leaned almost entirely on discipline because I (specifically ) needed to. I saw God's grace and leading time and time again in my life, but only I could get that amount of care and attention. It was like I was God's agent of rebuke. It's not like I was rebuking left and right, but I felt the need to quite often. Sounds kind of silly doesn't it?

Another thing I reflected on was how I saw myself in so many of these students. Sammy So-and-so being in a relationship as they were entering college, John Doe acting out during small group. The comparisons went on. Then I saw all my friends from high school fellowship in the crowd too and honestly I felt such weight on my shoulders. It was another click in my head. I was also disciplining because I in some ways wished I had done so when I was a youth and because I don't know where so many of my high school peers are in terms of their walks with God, I felt a certain level of responsibility because I never spoke up and tried to set us straight. Again, I was giving myself too much credit/power.

The bottom line is I still have much room to grow in my trust in God and His faithfulness in my life, but more importantly (at least at this point in my life), in the lives of other people. Praise God for progress.

turning 26

So yesterday I turned 26. It was kind of odd being on this side of 25. A lot of people were surprised at how old I was as well, this certainly added to the peculiarity of reaching the end of my 20s. I figured I should post since I haven't done so in ages ... this is gonna be rough...

I am alive and well. I am very busy, but it is a good kind of busy. I have been thinking a lot about time and trying to see where God is leading me in terms of how I should spend this valuable resource. As I grow older, I am realizing that I need more wisdom. This is contrary to what most young people feel like when they are ... well, young. When I was young I saw many older people and felt like they had it all together and that they knew so much. Interestingly, if I could go back in time and talk to young Calvin, I could say that the latter statement is true. I do indeed know so much, but the funny thing about life is: the more you know, the more you don't know. If you don't get that, maybe I'll tell you when you're older.

This makes me think about a passage I read awhile back that caught my eye. Unsurprisingly, it is in Proverbs (16:31) Surrounding this thought is a lot of great wisdom and I think that's the point.

Check it out:

16 How much better to get wisdom than gold!
To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.
17 The highway of the upright turns aside from evil;
whoever guards his way preserves his life.
18 Pride goes before destruction,
and a haughty spirit before a fall.
19 It is better to be of a lowly spirit with the poor
than to divide the spoil with the proud.

20 Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
21 The wise of heart is called discerning,
and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
22 Good sense is a fountain of life to him who has it,
but the instruction of fools is folly.
23 The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious
and adds persuasiveness to his lips.
24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

25 There is a way that seems right to a man,
but its end is the way to death.
26 A worker’s appetite works for him;
his mouth urges him on.
27 A worthless man plots evil,
and his speech is like a scorching fire.
28 A dishonest man spreads strife,
and a whisperer separates close friends.
29 A man of violence entices his neighbor
and leads him in a way that is not good.
30 Whoever winks his eyes plans dishonest things;
he who purses his lips brings evil to pass.
31 Gray hair is a crown of glory;
it is gained in a righteous life.
32 Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

It seems to me that this proverb is giving us tips in working towards this righteous life, not in the works-based salvation sense, but the reality is if you choose the right options in these situations you will be a better person and if you are a Christian, you will know God better as well.

I think that only after you have lived a full righteous life can you wear the "crown of glory" in your old age and this means having the ability to look back on the long journey traversed alongside God through life and to look forward to seeing Him face to face. There is something to be said about that. I'd like to think that the end of my life I will look back with my gray hair crown and think about God like on does a dear old friend.

Unfortunately, I am not there yet. Just last semester I put a hole in the wall at my dorm... but as I look back at my life, I see progress and the unquestionable imprint of God's hands on it. And I praise God for yet another year of impact.

Now it is time for my first sleep as a 26 year old.

Cheers and thanks for the love.

c@s

Official Update - Dec.

Hello, Calvin the seminarian here.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas and a happy new year! I had both, but unfortunately I have still been quite busy, so I apologize that I have not been able to fully process for this update. Sorry.

I’ve finished my first semester of seminary and I can only attribute that to God and His provision. Towards the end of the semester I was living life at a full sprint. The last week of classes I wrote thousands of words and studied hundreds of Greek vocab. It was an incredible feat and I am just blown away that I was able to get it all done and on time! Oh, and on top of this I worked about 18 hours a week too. Yeah, I’m still blown away.

In more personal news, throughout the entire semester I have felt God growing my vision for people around me and my ministry in general. I feel like God is calling me to be bolder and try to take more positive risks for the sake of His work. In many ways this is very exciting, but it’s also quite scary because I do not know what that is going to look like.

I was able to teach another two times, once on Dec. 27 and again on Jan 3. I have been growing in my comfort in teaching, which has been awesome. I think the trick was finding my own voice when teaching at Trellis, at least that’s what it seems like. Before, it was like reading from a script I had not rehearsed enough, but most recently it has felt like taking material I know and just talking about it. I know that I have much room to grow in my teaching, but I praise God for being with me as I prepared and taught because there is no way that I am good enough to properly teach God’s word on my own.

The last two lessons were on “Living Peacefully with the Past.” The first part I taught about living without regret. A verse that wrapped that lesson up well was:

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Cor 7:10 ESV

A major part of my lesson was knowing that it is not ok for us to fail God, but because Christ died for our failures, it is ok when we feel “godly grief” and repent of our sins, no matter how large. The problem arises when we feel worldly grief and never let go of the failures we have don’t let go and accept the forgiveness God openly gives.

The other part was about living without bitterness by forgiving others, regardless of how hard that may be. I talked about not mixing anger with sin, which produces bitterness, and how we must wait for God’s redemption of the wrongs that happen to us.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Titus 2:11-14 ESV

Both parts are really difficult things to do and I don’t know if people fully got what I was saying or if they felt it was applicable to their lives, but I trust in the Holy Spirit moving within all of our hearts.

All of this success has reminded me of a verse that I often reflect about.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 ESV

I think this fits because I can say, while I have not been perfect in my relationship with God, I have been more focused on Him now that perhaps I have ever been. And I can confidently say that I have been delighting myself in Him and for that God has provided again and again and again! I know that my attitude will not always be so appreciative, but knowing now that God has done so much for me definitely makes me feel like this is where God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading my update and thanks for all your financial support and prayers. It is really important that you are my partner in my time here at Gordon-Conwell. Perhaps one day soon, I will host a partner party and we can all get together and celebrate, fellowship and praise God for all He is doing. I hope you feel like you can see God working in our lives because He is!

How can I pray for you?

Thanks again.

Peace,

Calvin

Side note: The picture of Kermit came from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History in Washington, DC. I went there for New Year’s.