What I've been learning (outside of seminary)

I've learned a lot the past few days and ironically, I'm not even in classes this week. This past weekend I was a counselor at a youth retreat in NH and went through a couple waves of processing and after all was said and done I have come to a major conclusions about myself.

That conclusion is that I do not trust God enough. Some of you who know me might be wondering why because God has brought me through so many difficult situations. Surely, I have seen God's guidance and leading. This is true, God has done miraculous things in my life and I trust Him a great deal for my own life, but the lack of trust I am speaking of is in God's ability in other people's lives. This past weekend I found myself needing to address issues with students who were misbehaving or at least not paying attention to what I found to be very relevant points to their lives. After much reflection, I realized that I was giving myself too much credit/power. I in my mind felt that I needed to address these issues or else the student(s) would never be set straight. So instead of finding a good balance between grace and discipline, I leaned almost entirely on discipline because I (specifically ) needed to. I saw God's grace and leading time and time again in my life, but only I could get that amount of care and attention. It was like I was God's agent of rebuke. It's not like I was rebuking left and right, but I felt the need to quite often. Sounds kind of silly doesn't it?

Another thing I reflected on was how I saw myself in so many of these students. Sammy So-and-so being in a relationship as they were entering college, John Doe acting out during small group. The comparisons went on. Then I saw all my friends from high school fellowship in the crowd too and honestly I felt such weight on my shoulders. It was another click in my head. I was also disciplining because I in some ways wished I had done so when I was a youth and because I don't know where so many of my high school peers are in terms of their walks with God, I felt a certain level of responsibility because I never spoke up and tried to set us straight. Again, I was giving myself too much credit/power.

The bottom line is I still have much room to grow in my trust in God and His faithfulness in my life, but more importantly (at least at this point in my life), in the lives of other people. Praise God for progress.