dreams of my father

Family is a sore spot for many people, I imagine. I am one of those people. When I was a kid, I looked up to my dad and thought, "My daddy is the greatest man in the world." He could do no wrong. He was so smart, athletic, and a good talker. I wanted to be just like my dad when I grew up. I thought, "If I grow up to be half the man my father was, I'd be happy." But that image of my father changed about eight years ago.

In 2002, He left our home, and through that action, I felt all my love for my father instantly change into hatred. I thought, "How could he abandon us?" In my anger, I did not do as Paul said in Ephesians 4:26 (Be angry and do not sin.) Instead, I sinned a lot. Either I said things to my father that were incredibly hurtful or I completely ignored him. I was a bad son and I felt justified, a dangerous combination. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt. I was so selfish and in so many ways I still am. Yes, he left me to deal with the realities of the situation that my mom was in. Yes, he left the woman that gave me life. But, I took vengeance into my own hands rather than leaving it to God (Rom 12:19) to work in my father's heart. I think that my sins complicated the matter and I accept my level of responsibility for the state of my family. I know I need to love, care for, and pray for him to forgive me for the terrible ways I reacted and that will be a long process as well. I don't know where he is with His walk with God, but I do know that he's been hurt by my mom. He doesn't understand how a person can read her Bible daily, but still be so unloving and ungracious.

The truth is, my mom is like that because she is hurt and she's reacting with defense mechanisms so she can try to avoid pain, but that never works. She wants to be loved again by her husband like Christ loves the Church, probably more than anything in the world. And my dad wants to be respected again by his wife like the Church respects Christ, but the truth is, they're both too stubborn to seek Christ to change them. My mom might pray for God to change my dad, thinking she has done her part and my dad might not pray at all. But the heart of the matter is that they want the other person to initiate. They want to be the forgiver and sought after with loving kindness. Ok bear with me: this is where the theology rubber hits the real life road.

I am a complementarian and I believe the Bible is clear about that. (see Eph. 5) But beyond the Scriptures (which are more than sufficient to prove the point in my mind), there is the practical element of the roles in which husbands and wives are called to. If this perspective is not true, who does the initiating in the situation with my parents? If both of their roles are equal, can't the argument be made that in their stubbornness, neither needs to lead them through the healing process? Or maybe the argument is that both need to lead them through the process, but what if there is a dispute as to where they go next, who has the responsibility of making the call? I think the Bible is clear that it is my dad's role to take the lead. To primarily admit his wrong, but also to voice where she has wronged him. and I think it's my mom's role to listen to what he says, voice her thoughts and submit to his leadership, like the Church submits to Christ.

Now submission is something that is very touchy, I want to clarify my thoughts on submission. If we have a problem with submission of a wife to a husband, I think it is mostly due to the abuse of this passage in the past as well as the cultural connotation that exists. Eph 5:24 says,

"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."

It does not mean that wives cannot think for themselves or that the husbands are to rule over them with an iron fist, controlling their every move. In fact, Eph 5:25-27 says,

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."

This is not a push for dominance. Nor is it a marker of superiority, it is a call of great responsibility. It is a heavy call to be expected to live up to the standard of sacrifice and love for your wife that Christ had for the Church. In fact, I believe in in some ways husbands will be judged by how they were at pointing their wives to their sanctification, through Christ. This is by no means the "easier" of the two roles. I think both are different and both are difficult, impossible without Christ. My last thought here on the theology of complementarianism is this, if we have a problem with the idea of wives submitting to their husbands like the Church does to Christ, in many ways, we have a problem, being part of the church, submitting to Christ. That is one major thought that we must wrestle with if we are to claim other than what the Scriptures say. I could literally go on for days, but I will leave it as this, if you have a conflict with what I am saying or flat out think I'm an idiot, please bring it up to me. I'd love to discuss it and see where God leads us in that conversation.

OK back to family. All this to say, I want my daddy back. I want to look at my parents and say,

"In my family is a godly man, who loves the Lord and lovingly took his hurting wife by the hand to lead her and there is a godly woman who trusted God enough to hold his hand and be led by the man who deeply hurt her and together they walked through the fire of pain and suffering of 30 years of a rocky marriage and by God's grace, they came out centered on Him and deeply in love. "

But this process starts with, well God, then my dad's initiation. I want to see the superman, who was so worthy of being looked up to. I want him to sacrifice his pride and his plans for his bride so he may present her without spot or wrinkle, but holy and without blemish. But for us to be united as a family again, we need Christ. Would you please pray for us as we continue this long and painful journey?