the hope of God?

In the midst of a tower of work and studying to do i'm feeling reflective.

Recently, I took a personality test and one of the results said that I have a depressive tendency. Oh I should qualify, I am not seeking pity or any response like that. This post is really for me to get my thoughts down in writing so I can reflect and perhaps go back at a later time to draw conclusions. If this entry helps you in any way, then praise God for that.

Ok back to my result. its interesting because i never thought about my depressive tendencies until that test. but it made sense and it's nights like tonight that really confirm it. (stress from school, work...life.) I don't understand how when I'm not sad I have such hope even when i'm against all odds, but once sadness gets mixed in, i'm a wet tissue and it seems like the hope of God I so strongly held on to before, crumbles before me hands. It's no less real when I'm sad, yet it's almost like I never knew it.

This really points to how I havent submitted everything in my life to God and how a part of me is clinging on to an alternate (false) reality that holds up something higher than God (myself probably) and that thing (about me), whatever it is, is being attacked and i don't like that and so i crawl into myself and I throw a pity party to console that part of me rather than cling to the more-than-sufficient hope that is in Christ.

I do wish I could overcome this. I wish that in times of sadness i could reflect on how God has delivered me from many things, namely myself and believe that whatever I am holding on to will not bring me true joy, peace or self-worth. Yet, I linger in my pity and coddle and baby my wretched sinful self. I tell myself there is something I can do to be better or that I deserve something. The reality is that I don't and that there really is nothing I can do to make myself better. But God can make me better because he already has. His death and resurrection has given my true worth and until i fully embrace that reality i will always be a half-opened wound that is just dying to bleed at the slightest injury. its scary thinking about that and me being a pastor.

Pray for me, please.

Thanksgiving

This past Wed. in chapel, we studied the concept of thankfulness from the lens of Ephesians 5:19-20. Let's look.

Eph. 5:19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

He presented that thanksgiving and gratefulness should be the main parts of Christian faith/life and began by contrasting Christian thankfulness and standard human-powered thankfulness.

Human-powered thankfulness usually sounds like "just give thanks" or "see the silver lining" and honestly these mentalities can work. I can keep thinking positively and I can be a more grateful person but frankly it cannot be kept up for very long. Thankfulness that relies on our own willpower fails very quickly, as I'm sure many of us have seen. This is because, as the preacher said, ungratefulness is a state of being. At our core, we do not default to giving thanks to others, but are more likely to give blame and take credit. Isn't this how some of us react to God when things don't turn out our way?

Christian thankfulness, on the other hand, has Christ as its source. Our ability to be thankful always and for all things comes from our Lord Jesus Christ alone and it starts with a realization of our inability to do so on our own. We are powerless against this sinful nature. It's like ungrateful children anonymous. "Hi my name is Calvin and I am perpetually ungrateful." ("Hi, Calvin.")

This made me reflect on why is it that we as Christians dislike saying grace so much or praying around others at all for that matter. Maybe it is something about praying in public. Some say we fear that other people will judge the way we pray or that we'll say the wrong words. These might seem like valid reasons, but I wonder if its really something else.

Is it because we are not thankful enough? or Do we not realize how thankful we should be? I think for many of us, this could be the case.

To expand on one of the preacher's examples: If I was shipwrecked and the coast guard came and picked me out of the water, saving me from my death, I would be thankful. I would probably say thanks, soaked, exhausted, and ineloquently. I would not care how I looked or sounded. I'm not going to not thank them because I haven't written this beautifully flowing sonnet of praise. I'm going to just give thanks from the bottom of my heart because this person saved my life and without them I would be dead.

Considering this, how much more thankful should we be to the God that pulled us from death of drowning in the sea of our own sin?

I think perhaps many of us who claim to be Christians think our situations before we were save weren't so dire. If we're right then what do I really need to thank God for? When He gives me a good test score? When He gets me a free parking spot in Boston? Praise be to God!

Unfortunately, that's just not the case and the danger with this mentality is when we hold it, we build our lives around our merit and ourselves and not around God. If this is true, then it makes perfect sense why our image and reputation are preventing us from sharing about God's blessings. We think a good prayer needs to be eloquent, full of theological terms, and poetic because if it doesn't we are somehow less of a Christian or less spiritual. But I think God would be just as satisfied if we prayed like a shipwreck survivor and saying, "Thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! In Jesus name I pray." He might even be more satisfied if these words reflect a truly grateful heart opposed to a well-rehearsed statement.

Let us really search ourselves and ask, "Who's opinion is preventing me from speaking to others with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? What aspect of my self-centeredness is holding me back from always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ?"

So as Thanksgiving begins to roll around, let us seriously reflect on everything that God has done and truly give thanks to Him for it all. Hopefully we can praise God with others and maybe, just maybe, we will volunteer to say grace.

Monday Morning Prayer

Father God,

I thank You once again for this opportunity to study Your Word. Lord, I am far from the most intelligent Christian in the world, so while sometimes I do not understand it, I thank You for calling me to Gordon-Conwell. As I begin my first day, I pray that You will remind me of Your strength and of my weakness so I will always be operating off Your provision and power. Search my heart, God, and reveal to me any self-serving motives and keep me grounded in Your Word. I pray for mental astuteness and that I will not be intimidated by my classes. I hope my actions while here will bring glory to Your name, in and outside of the classroom. I pray that you will continue making me into a man of integrity and a better example of Your love on this earth, if only just slightly better than I was before. Thank You again for your faithfulness in my life.

In Christ's name,

Amen