When I was younger, I'd think, "Yeah, I could totally teach." I'd really think about how funny I was (which I wasn't.) and how smart I was (which I definitely wasn't.) It was like the world needed to hear from Calvin. Can you say self-serving visions of grandeur? Thankfully I was not given too many venues to address the masses, though I did feel like it my right to speak out and disrupt in sunday school classes. Slowly I began losing interest, finding my fix of attention elsewhere.
I think one of the biggest reasons I did not think about going to seminary sooner is not because I hadn't thought about it, in fact I thought about it a lot and for a long time. It's because I needed to be knocked down a peg. Or two. Or five. Basically I needed to get the right perspective in terms of my desire to serve God, as in not self-service. It took a number of years to eat all that humble pie, but I got my fill. When I was finally ready, I did feel much excitement, but a part of me began the process with a bit of doubt. Not because I wasn't sure, but because I didn't feel ready. It was almost like I preferred to go when I had everything in order and when I was a seasoned vet, but alas that was not the case. (Ironically I will speak on God's will tomorrow and what I felt is what many people feel. I may link to a podcast of my lesson so you can criticize me... constructively of course.)
Despite not feeling ready, I think that was the right attitude for me because I knew I wasn't choosing me because honestly ... who would? But it was God choosing me and that was the exciting part; knowing that He'd give me exactly what I need. I think its hard to choose a life of a full-time minister. From what I hear it can be a hard life. Not only will everything about your life be judged (see my previous post on family life and elders.), but you will be judged harder. But at the same time there is great joy in being chosen to teach. I've run off into a rabbit hole. Let me pull us out.
All this to say, it feels like I know so little about teaching. I really feel humbled and know that I am a baby preacher. I know that I will make stinky messes in my preaching pants (not literally...hopefully), but that's ok because (hopefully) my perspectives have changed from being focused on me to being focused on God, truth, and my audience's growth. I'm ok with looking bad as long as God looks good...unless my looking bad is heresy. That is a no-no.
Let's be honest, I could be funny or witty on any platform (for-humors-sake.blogspot.com) but I want my words to matter and I want those words to change lives. I want God to give me the right words that break hearts and lift spirits simultaneously. I want people to leave a sermon or a lesson I teach and for them to go, "I don't remember what that guy's name was, but man, that was full of insight." I'd like to be great but for God. So much so that God' would be remembered and I'd be forgotten.
Be warned, I'm saying this now, but even as I typed that last sentence, I felt the desire to not wish for such things. I know that my big head (literal and figurative) will get puffed up (even more?!) I'll think, "Hey, I'm awesome," and sing praises to myself. Hopefully, I'll be kept in check when it happens. If you see me being arrogant, please kindly and lovingly rebuke me.
Else, keep praying for me. I need it. I still look at myself and wonder ... how am I doing this? God, that's how. Hallelujah!
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