the hope of God?

In the midst of a tower of work and studying to do i'm feeling reflective.

Recently, I took a personality test and one of the results said that I have a depressive tendency. Oh I should qualify, I am not seeking pity or any response like that. This post is really for me to get my thoughts down in writing so I can reflect and perhaps go back at a later time to draw conclusions. If this entry helps you in any way, then praise God for that.

Ok back to my result. its interesting because i never thought about my depressive tendencies until that test. but it made sense and it's nights like tonight that really confirm it. (stress from school, work...life.) I don't understand how when I'm not sad I have such hope even when i'm against all odds, but once sadness gets mixed in, i'm a wet tissue and it seems like the hope of God I so strongly held on to before, crumbles before me hands. It's no less real when I'm sad, yet it's almost like I never knew it.

This really points to how I havent submitted everything in my life to God and how a part of me is clinging on to an alternate (false) reality that holds up something higher than God (myself probably) and that thing (about me), whatever it is, is being attacked and i don't like that and so i crawl into myself and I throw a pity party to console that part of me rather than cling to the more-than-sufficient hope that is in Christ.

I do wish I could overcome this. I wish that in times of sadness i could reflect on how God has delivered me from many things, namely myself and believe that whatever I am holding on to will not bring me true joy, peace or self-worth. Yet, I linger in my pity and coddle and baby my wretched sinful self. I tell myself there is something I can do to be better or that I deserve something. The reality is that I don't and that there really is nothing I can do to make myself better. But God can make me better because he already has. His death and resurrection has given my true worth and until i fully embrace that reality i will always be a half-opened wound that is just dying to bleed at the slightest injury. its scary thinking about that and me being a pastor.

Pray for me, please.

Just glad to be on the team, Coach.

Today has been a long day, I've been running back and forth and I am ready to sleep and wake up tomorrow for class and work, but I wanted to get some thoughts down before I forget them all.

This morning, I had to be at a work meeting, which always make me quite reflective (3m). Sharing a Sunday morning with people who do not necessarily share the same faith background as I do is always an interesting change of pace. Listening to them speak about our work and how we make a difference in the lives of our customers is kind of cool because in a lot of ways I see what they're saying. We do make a difference in the lives of people we interact with at the store, but at the end of the day, I'm not sure how much of an eternal impact we're making.

And for the record it is only by God's grace that I look to the eternal, because He knows if I were left to my own devices, I wouldn't be able to look past the hour. Let me be clear, I'm not trying to down the people at work. I do think what we do can be quite significant, but I'm just saying I think there are some more meaningful ways to add to someone's life and that makes it hard when it seems like we're making ourselves to be the end all be all. (Seems like.)

But all in all it was a good meeting. It reminds me of why I'm there and of how cool my work can be. Needless to say I'm probably gonna stick around for a lil bit more, especially considering the manageable amount of hours I've been given recently.

After that, I went into the city and had lunch with a couple of good friends. They're all in different places in life, but it was really cool seeing how God is working in them. Being their friends has been quite the ride. I look back on the few years that I've known them and I praise God because I can track the results of His presence in their lives. When we first met it felt like we were children (big kids), but reality is, it has only been a few years and to see such growth is pretty extraordinary. I'm astonished at how God has brought them from point a to point b. I wouldn't have even thought to connect the dots that way, but I can see why/how He did. They're living proof that God's pretty good (aka known as: amazing) at this whole leading people thing. It makes me smile. For real.

Finally, after that I briefly spoke at a gathering at a Boston area university and all I can say is that I am just happy that God has made me how I am. It's so odd to think that speaking about my life can have a sliver of significance in the lives of other people and truth is, short of the Spirit's work, it is meaningless. But that's the beauty; the Spirit works so wonderfully. Tonight it was just shocking how well the two speakers' talks and my testimony aligned. They just flowed really well into one another. Almost like we collaborated, but we didn't. It's my conclusion that God weaved them together for us. Afterwards, a few students came up to me and talked about their lives pretty openly and shared what they struggle with as if I was talking to just them tonight. That has nothing to do with my ability to speak well, but it is about something far greater than me. I hope I never lose sight of how awesome it is that God works through such unimpressive beings, like myself, to do His will.

What I've been learning (outside of seminary)

I've learned a lot the past few days and ironically, I'm not even in classes this week. This past weekend I was a counselor at a youth retreat in NH and went through a couple waves of processing and after all was said and done I have come to a major conclusions about myself.

That conclusion is that I do not trust God enough. Some of you who know me might be wondering why because God has brought me through so many difficult situations. Surely, I have seen God's guidance and leading. This is true, God has done miraculous things in my life and I trust Him a great deal for my own life, but the lack of trust I am speaking of is in God's ability in other people's lives. This past weekend I found myself needing to address issues with students who were misbehaving or at least not paying attention to what I found to be very relevant points to their lives. After much reflection, I realized that I was giving myself too much credit/power. I in my mind felt that I needed to address these issues or else the student(s) would never be set straight. So instead of finding a good balance between grace and discipline, I leaned almost entirely on discipline because I (specifically ) needed to. I saw God's grace and leading time and time again in my life, but only I could get that amount of care and attention. It was like I was God's agent of rebuke. It's not like I was rebuking left and right, but I felt the need to quite often. Sounds kind of silly doesn't it?

Another thing I reflected on was how I saw myself in so many of these students. Sammy So-and-so being in a relationship as they were entering college, John Doe acting out during small group. The comparisons went on. Then I saw all my friends from high school fellowship in the crowd too and honestly I felt such weight on my shoulders. It was another click in my head. I was also disciplining because I in some ways wished I had done so when I was a youth and because I don't know where so many of my high school peers are in terms of their walks with God, I felt a certain level of responsibility because I never spoke up and tried to set us straight. Again, I was giving myself too much credit/power.

The bottom line is I still have much room to grow in my trust in God and His faithfulness in my life, but more importantly (at least at this point in my life), in the lives of other people. Praise God for progress.

turning 26

So yesterday I turned 26. It was kind of odd being on this side of 25. A lot of people were surprised at how old I was as well, this certainly added to the peculiarity of reaching the end of my 20s. I figured I should post since I haven't done so in ages ... this is gonna be rough...

I am alive and well. I am very busy, but it is a good kind of busy. I have been thinking a lot about time and trying to see where God is leading me in terms of how I should spend this valuable resource. As I grow older, I am realizing that I need more wisdom. This is contrary to what most young people feel like when they are ... well, young. When I was young I saw many older people and felt like they had it all together and that they knew so much. Interestingly, if I could go back in time and talk to young Calvin, I could say that the latter statement is true. I do indeed know so much, but the funny thing about life is: the more you know, the more you don't know. If you don't get that, maybe I'll tell you when you're older.

This makes me think about a passage I read awhile back that caught my eye. Unsurprisingly, it is in Proverbs (16:31) Surrounding this thought is a lot of great wisdom and I think that's the point.

Check it out:

16 How much better to get wisdom than gold!
To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.
17 The highway of the upright turns aside from evil;
whoever guards his way preserves his life.
18 Pride goes before destruction,
and a haughty spirit before a fall.
19 It is better to be of a lowly spirit with the poor
than to divide the spoil with the proud.

20 Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
21 The wise of heart is called discerning,
and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
22 Good sense is a fountain of life to him who has it,
but the instruction of fools is folly.
23 The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious
and adds persuasiveness to his lips.
24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

25 There is a way that seems right to a man,
but its end is the way to death.
26 A worker’s appetite works for him;
his mouth urges him on.
27 A worthless man plots evil,
and his speech is like a scorching fire.
28 A dishonest man spreads strife,
and a whisperer separates close friends.
29 A man of violence entices his neighbor
and leads him in a way that is not good.
30 Whoever winks his eyes plans dishonest things;
he who purses his lips brings evil to pass.
31 Gray hair is a crown of glory;
it is gained in a righteous life.
32 Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

It seems to me that this proverb is giving us tips in working towards this righteous life, not in the works-based salvation sense, but the reality is if you choose the right options in these situations you will be a better person and if you are a Christian, you will know God better as well.

I think that only after you have lived a full righteous life can you wear the "crown of glory" in your old age and this means having the ability to look back on the long journey traversed alongside God through life and to look forward to seeing Him face to face. There is something to be said about that. I'd like to think that the end of my life I will look back with my gray hair crown and think about God like on does a dear old friend.

Unfortunately, I am not there yet. Just last semester I put a hole in the wall at my dorm... but as I look back at my life, I see progress and the unquestionable imprint of God's hands on it. And I praise God for yet another year of impact.

Now it is time for my first sleep as a 26 year old.

Cheers and thanks for the love.

c@s

Official Update - Dec.

Hello, Calvin the seminarian here.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas and a happy new year! I had both, but unfortunately I have still been quite busy, so I apologize that I have not been able to fully process for this update. Sorry.

I’ve finished my first semester of seminary and I can only attribute that to God and His provision. Towards the end of the semester I was living life at a full sprint. The last week of classes I wrote thousands of words and studied hundreds of Greek vocab. It was an incredible feat and I am just blown away that I was able to get it all done and on time! Oh, and on top of this I worked about 18 hours a week too. Yeah, I’m still blown away.

In more personal news, throughout the entire semester I have felt God growing my vision for people around me and my ministry in general. I feel like God is calling me to be bolder and try to take more positive risks for the sake of His work. In many ways this is very exciting, but it’s also quite scary because I do not know what that is going to look like.

I was able to teach another two times, once on Dec. 27 and again on Jan 3. I have been growing in my comfort in teaching, which has been awesome. I think the trick was finding my own voice when teaching at Trellis, at least that’s what it seems like. Before, it was like reading from a script I had not rehearsed enough, but most recently it has felt like taking material I know and just talking about it. I know that I have much room to grow in my teaching, but I praise God for being with me as I prepared and taught because there is no way that I am good enough to properly teach God’s word on my own.

The last two lessons were on “Living Peacefully with the Past.” The first part I taught about living without regret. A verse that wrapped that lesson up well was:

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Cor 7:10 ESV

A major part of my lesson was knowing that it is not ok for us to fail God, but because Christ died for our failures, it is ok when we feel “godly grief” and repent of our sins, no matter how large. The problem arises when we feel worldly grief and never let go of the failures we have don’t let go and accept the forgiveness God openly gives.

The other part was about living without bitterness by forgiving others, regardless of how hard that may be. I talked about not mixing anger with sin, which produces bitterness, and how we must wait for God’s redemption of the wrongs that happen to us.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Titus 2:11-14 ESV

Both parts are really difficult things to do and I don’t know if people fully got what I was saying or if they felt it was applicable to their lives, but I trust in the Holy Spirit moving within all of our hearts.

All of this success has reminded me of a verse that I often reflect about.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 ESV

I think this fits because I can say, while I have not been perfect in my relationship with God, I have been more focused on Him now that perhaps I have ever been. And I can confidently say that I have been delighting myself in Him and for that God has provided again and again and again! I know that my attitude will not always be so appreciative, but knowing now that God has done so much for me definitely makes me feel like this is where God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading my update and thanks for all your financial support and prayers. It is really important that you are my partner in my time here at Gordon-Conwell. Perhaps one day soon, I will host a partner party and we can all get together and celebrate, fellowship and praise God for all He is doing. I hope you feel like you can see God working in our lives because He is!

How can I pray for you?

Thanks again.

Peace,

Calvin

Side note: The picture of Kermit came from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History in Washington, DC. I went there for New Year’s.

In the Middle of the Storm

Hey everyone,

I am in the home stretch of my first semester at GCTS and to say the least I have a lot on my plate. I just wanted to update you all and ask for your prayers.

My roommate asked to me the other day, "How do you eat an elephant?" I didn't know the answer. "One bite at a time," he responded. This is how I feel right now. I have a giant elephant that must eat and I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by the task at hand. This is escalated by some family issues at home, specifically in regards to computers.

The other sunday, we sang "Your Beloved" and I felt quite moved by the one line "Unashamed to call me Your own." It's crazy that God would be unashamed to associate with us, at least with me. I'm inconsistent, prideful, and a whole lot of other things that aren't so great. Yet, God is proud to call us His.

This means so much to me right now in this moment because as I am trying to devour this figurative jumbo, I am feeling my self-worth slip. But I'm trying to cling to God and find peace in Him.

So please pray:

• that I will remember God loves me whether I get an A or an F in my classes
• that I will handle my family situations with grace and love
• that I will focus on finishing the tasks at hand and that I will do that by God's power and not my own

Thanks,

c@s

Thanksgiving

This past Wed. in chapel, we studied the concept of thankfulness from the lens of Ephesians 5:19-20. Let's look.

Eph. 5:19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

He presented that thanksgiving and gratefulness should be the main parts of Christian faith/life and began by contrasting Christian thankfulness and standard human-powered thankfulness.

Human-powered thankfulness usually sounds like "just give thanks" or "see the silver lining" and honestly these mentalities can work. I can keep thinking positively and I can be a more grateful person but frankly it cannot be kept up for very long. Thankfulness that relies on our own willpower fails very quickly, as I'm sure many of us have seen. This is because, as the preacher said, ungratefulness is a state of being. At our core, we do not default to giving thanks to others, but are more likely to give blame and take credit. Isn't this how some of us react to God when things don't turn out our way?

Christian thankfulness, on the other hand, has Christ as its source. Our ability to be thankful always and for all things comes from our Lord Jesus Christ alone and it starts with a realization of our inability to do so on our own. We are powerless against this sinful nature. It's like ungrateful children anonymous. "Hi my name is Calvin and I am perpetually ungrateful." ("Hi, Calvin.")

This made me reflect on why is it that we as Christians dislike saying grace so much or praying around others at all for that matter. Maybe it is something about praying in public. Some say we fear that other people will judge the way we pray or that we'll say the wrong words. These might seem like valid reasons, but I wonder if its really something else.

Is it because we are not thankful enough? or Do we not realize how thankful we should be? I think for many of us, this could be the case.

To expand on one of the preacher's examples: If I was shipwrecked and the coast guard came and picked me out of the water, saving me from my death, I would be thankful. I would probably say thanks, soaked, exhausted, and ineloquently. I would not care how I looked or sounded. I'm not going to not thank them because I haven't written this beautifully flowing sonnet of praise. I'm going to just give thanks from the bottom of my heart because this person saved my life and without them I would be dead.

Considering this, how much more thankful should we be to the God that pulled us from death of drowning in the sea of our own sin?

I think perhaps many of us who claim to be Christians think our situations before we were save weren't so dire. If we're right then what do I really need to thank God for? When He gives me a good test score? When He gets me a free parking spot in Boston? Praise be to God!

Unfortunately, that's just not the case and the danger with this mentality is when we hold it, we build our lives around our merit and ourselves and not around God. If this is true, then it makes perfect sense why our image and reputation are preventing us from sharing about God's blessings. We think a good prayer needs to be eloquent, full of theological terms, and poetic because if it doesn't we are somehow less of a Christian or less spiritual. But I think God would be just as satisfied if we prayed like a shipwreck survivor and saying, "Thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! In Jesus name I pray." He might even be more satisfied if these words reflect a truly grateful heart opposed to a well-rehearsed statement.

Let us really search ourselves and ask, "Who's opinion is preventing me from speaking to others with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? What aspect of my self-centeredness is holding me back from always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ?"

So as Thanksgiving begins to roll around, let us seriously reflect on everything that God has done and truly give thanks to Him for it all. Hopefully we can praise God with others and maybe, just maybe, we will volunteer to say grace.