Just glad to be on the team, Coach.

Today has been a long day, I've been running back and forth and I am ready to sleep and wake up tomorrow for class and work, but I wanted to get some thoughts down before I forget them all.

This morning, I had to be at a work meeting, which always make me quite reflective (3m). Sharing a Sunday morning with people who do not necessarily share the same faith background as I do is always an interesting change of pace. Listening to them speak about our work and how we make a difference in the lives of our customers is kind of cool because in a lot of ways I see what they're saying. We do make a difference in the lives of people we interact with at the store, but at the end of the day, I'm not sure how much of an eternal impact we're making.

And for the record it is only by God's grace that I look to the eternal, because He knows if I were left to my own devices, I wouldn't be able to look past the hour. Let me be clear, I'm not trying to down the people at work. I do think what we do can be quite significant, but I'm just saying I think there are some more meaningful ways to add to someone's life and that makes it hard when it seems like we're making ourselves to be the end all be all. (Seems like.)

But all in all it was a good meeting. It reminds me of why I'm there and of how cool my work can be. Needless to say I'm probably gonna stick around for a lil bit more, especially considering the manageable amount of hours I've been given recently.

After that, I went into the city and had lunch with a couple of good friends. They're all in different places in life, but it was really cool seeing how God is working in them. Being their friends has been quite the ride. I look back on the few years that I've known them and I praise God because I can track the results of His presence in their lives. When we first met it felt like we were children (big kids), but reality is, it has only been a few years and to see such growth is pretty extraordinary. I'm astonished at how God has brought them from point a to point b. I wouldn't have even thought to connect the dots that way, but I can see why/how He did. They're living proof that God's pretty good (aka known as: amazing) at this whole leading people thing. It makes me smile. For real.

Finally, after that I briefly spoke at a gathering at a Boston area university and all I can say is that I am just happy that God has made me how I am. It's so odd to think that speaking about my life can have a sliver of significance in the lives of other people and truth is, short of the Spirit's work, it is meaningless. But that's the beauty; the Spirit works so wonderfully. Tonight it was just shocking how well the two speakers' talks and my testimony aligned. They just flowed really well into one another. Almost like we collaborated, but we didn't. It's my conclusion that God weaved them together for us. Afterwards, a few students came up to me and talked about their lives pretty openly and shared what they struggle with as if I was talking to just them tonight. That has nothing to do with my ability to speak well, but it is about something far greater than me. I hope I never lose sight of how awesome it is that God works through such unimpressive beings, like myself, to do His will.

First Lesson Ever Review

Ok I've listened to it once.

I felt I did ok. I stuttered and stammered a bit. I walked around the room a lot. Some of these are my quirks and some of these are reactions to nervousness.

It wasn't as interactive as I'd like it to be. I don't know if people were tracking, but silently thinking about what I was saying or if they were bored to silence. I hope its the former because I do believe what I was teaching and think it is so important to hear, but the latter is quite possible. I think my strength was speaking anecdotically. I think thats because I think and express myself best in analogies. I just need to tie it back into the lesson at hand better.

Anyway, here it is.

http://blog.karenoch.com/trellis/#will It's under God's Will (Fall 2009) - My Lesson is called the State of the Search for God's Will. Audio is my voice. Handout is my worksheet.

Any constructive criticisms are welcomed.

Thanks

First lesson ever preview

So my first step into the world of teaching is not complete. Did I step well? Did I slip? Did I step in some poop? I think the easy answer is, yes.

I haven't had a chance to listen to myself yet, but I wanted to get a few thoughts down about how I feel before I review my lesson and inevitably beat myself up. In a good way.

I really appreciated all the people who stopped to give me a word on encouragement. Whenever I feel like I didn't do great and people tell me I did, I always have slight doubt of their truthfulness. I know that's wrong and I'm working on it. I do think they are genuine in their comments and meant what they said though. I'm sure it wasn't terrible, but I think I'm really focused on improvement and because of that I am only seeing the areas of growth. I guess I should stop and recognize the task I have completed and praise God for getting me through. Hold on. I'll be right back.......ok back. It essentially needs to come back to God. I can work to improve my teaching skills on my own and they may improve, but I need to humble myself and remember I am doing God's will by teaching about ... well for now, God's will.

I've been reading Proverbs and there were a couple verses that stuck out to me pertaining to wisdom/teaching and felt related to today.

Proverbs 9:10

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Proverbs 15:31-33

³¹ He who listens to a life-giving rebuke

will be at home among the wise.

³² He who ignores discipline despises himself,
but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.

³³ The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom,
and humility comes before honor,

I found it interesting that both talked about fear of the Lord is the gateway to wisdom. I also appreciated hearing about humility coming before honor. I think that fits in well with my last post about how in the past I wanted to put honor before humility. It's a reminder that I'm not done being humbled now that I'm teaching. If anything I need to humble myself more.

Normally rebuke and discipline don't inspire great thoughts in many people's minds, but these verses bring me some relief because they're reminders that I won't get better until I am humbled. I know that I need to be taught how to be better and much of that will probably come from someone other than me. I have to "heed correction" so that I can "gain understanding" and improve. I mean I don't love failure and criticism is always hard to hear, but they are so necessary for progress. It's like that old adage: you can't teach a lesson without breaking some eggs...or is it you can't make an omelet without writing a lesson plan? Either way, I've got a long way to go.

Let the task of listening to myself and beating myself up begin. I'll report back after I've listened and reflected.

First. Lesson. Ever.

Tomorrow I will give my first lesson ever, in trellis. It's an odd place to be because in a lot of ways I have thought about my natural abilities to teach for so long, but I understand better how I have so far to go.

When I was younger, I'd think, "Yeah, I could totally teach." I'd really think about how funny I was (which I wasn't.) and how smart I was (which I definitely wasn't.) It was like the world needed to hear from Calvin. Can you say self-serving visions of grandeur? Thankfully I was not given too many venues to address the masses, though I did feel like it my right to speak out and disrupt in sunday school classes. Slowly I began losing interest, finding my fix of attention elsewhere.

I think one of the biggest reasons I did not think about going to seminary sooner is not because I hadn't thought about it, in fact I thought about it a lot and for a long time. It's because I needed to be knocked down a peg. Or two. Or five. Basically I needed to get the right perspective in terms of my desire to serve God, as in not self-service. It took a number of years to eat all that humble pie, but I got my fill. When I was finally ready, I did feel much excitement, but a part of me began the process with a bit of doubt. Not because I wasn't sure, but because I didn't feel ready. It was almost like I preferred to go when I had everything in order and when I was a seasoned vet, but alas that was not the case. (Ironically I will speak on God's will tomorrow and what I felt is what many people feel. I may link to a podcast of my lesson so you can criticize me... constructively of course.)

Despite not feeling ready, I think that was the right attitude for me because I knew I wasn't choosing me because honestly ... who would? But it was God choosing me and that was the exciting part; knowing that He'd give me exactly what I need. I think its hard to choose a life of a full-time minister. From what I hear it can be a hard life. Not only will everything about your life be judged (see my previous post on family life and elders.), but you will be judged harder. But at the same time there is great joy in being chosen to teach. I've run off into a rabbit hole. Let me pull us out.

All this to say, it feels like I know so little about teaching. I really feel humbled and know that I am a baby preacher. I know that I will make stinky messes in my preaching pants (not literally...hopefully), but that's ok because (hopefully) my perspectives have changed from being focused on me to being focused on God, truth, and my audience's growth. I'm ok with looking bad as long as God looks good...unless my looking bad is heresy. That is a no-no.

Let's be honest, I could be funny or witty on any platform (for-humors-sake.blogspot.com) but I want my words to matter and I want those words to change lives. I want God to give me the right words that break hearts and lift spirits simultaneously. I want people to leave a sermon or a lesson I teach and for them to go, "I don't remember what that guy's name was, but man, that was full of insight." I'd like to be great but for God. So much so that God' would be remembered and I'd be forgotten.

Be warned, I'm saying this now, but even as I typed that last sentence, I felt the desire to not wish for such things. I know that my big head (literal and figurative) will get puffed up (even more?!) I'll think, "Hey, I'm awesome," and sing praises to myself. Hopefully, I'll be kept in check when it happens. If you see me being arrogant, please kindly and lovingly rebuke me.

Else, keep praying for me. I need it. I still look at myself and wonder ... how am I doing this? God, that's how. Hallelujah!