the hope of God?

In the midst of a tower of work and studying to do i'm feeling reflective.

Recently, I took a personality test and one of the results said that I have a depressive tendency. Oh I should qualify, I am not seeking pity or any response like that. This post is really for me to get my thoughts down in writing so I can reflect and perhaps go back at a later time to draw conclusions. If this entry helps you in any way, then praise God for that.

Ok back to my result. its interesting because i never thought about my depressive tendencies until that test. but it made sense and it's nights like tonight that really confirm it. (stress from school, work...life.) I don't understand how when I'm not sad I have such hope even when i'm against all odds, but once sadness gets mixed in, i'm a wet tissue and it seems like the hope of God I so strongly held on to before, crumbles before me hands. It's no less real when I'm sad, yet it's almost like I never knew it.

This really points to how I havent submitted everything in my life to God and how a part of me is clinging on to an alternate (false) reality that holds up something higher than God (myself probably) and that thing (about me), whatever it is, is being attacked and i don't like that and so i crawl into myself and I throw a pity party to console that part of me rather than cling to the more-than-sufficient hope that is in Christ.

I do wish I could overcome this. I wish that in times of sadness i could reflect on how God has delivered me from many things, namely myself and believe that whatever I am holding on to will not bring me true joy, peace or self-worth. Yet, I linger in my pity and coddle and baby my wretched sinful self. I tell myself there is something I can do to be better or that I deserve something. The reality is that I don't and that there really is nothing I can do to make myself better. But God can make me better because he already has. His death and resurrection has given my true worth and until i fully embrace that reality i will always be a half-opened wound that is just dying to bleed at the slightest injury. its scary thinking about that and me being a pastor.

Pray for me, please.

Official Update - Dec.

Hello, Calvin the seminarian here.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas and a happy new year! I had both, but unfortunately I have still been quite busy, so I apologize that I have not been able to fully process for this update. Sorry.

I’ve finished my first semester of seminary and I can only attribute that to God and His provision. Towards the end of the semester I was living life at a full sprint. The last week of classes I wrote thousands of words and studied hundreds of Greek vocab. It was an incredible feat and I am just blown away that I was able to get it all done and on time! Oh, and on top of this I worked about 18 hours a week too. Yeah, I’m still blown away.

In more personal news, throughout the entire semester I have felt God growing my vision for people around me and my ministry in general. I feel like God is calling me to be bolder and try to take more positive risks for the sake of His work. In many ways this is very exciting, but it’s also quite scary because I do not know what that is going to look like.

I was able to teach another two times, once on Dec. 27 and again on Jan 3. I have been growing in my comfort in teaching, which has been awesome. I think the trick was finding my own voice when teaching at Trellis, at least that’s what it seems like. Before, it was like reading from a script I had not rehearsed enough, but most recently it has felt like taking material I know and just talking about it. I know that I have much room to grow in my teaching, but I praise God for being with me as I prepared and taught because there is no way that I am good enough to properly teach God’s word on my own.

The last two lessons were on “Living Peacefully with the Past.” The first part I taught about living without regret. A verse that wrapped that lesson up well was:

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Cor 7:10 ESV

A major part of my lesson was knowing that it is not ok for us to fail God, but because Christ died for our failures, it is ok when we feel “godly grief” and repent of our sins, no matter how large. The problem arises when we feel worldly grief and never let go of the failures we have don’t let go and accept the forgiveness God openly gives.

The other part was about living without bitterness by forgiving others, regardless of how hard that may be. I talked about not mixing anger with sin, which produces bitterness, and how we must wait for God’s redemption of the wrongs that happen to us.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Titus 2:11-14 ESV

Both parts are really difficult things to do and I don’t know if people fully got what I was saying or if they felt it was applicable to their lives, but I trust in the Holy Spirit moving within all of our hearts.

All of this success has reminded me of a verse that I often reflect about.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 ESV

I think this fits because I can say, while I have not been perfect in my relationship with God, I have been more focused on Him now that perhaps I have ever been. And I can confidently say that I have been delighting myself in Him and for that God has provided again and again and again! I know that my attitude will not always be so appreciative, but knowing now that God has done so much for me definitely makes me feel like this is where God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading my update and thanks for all your financial support and prayers. It is really important that you are my partner in my time here at Gordon-Conwell. Perhaps one day soon, I will host a partner party and we can all get together and celebrate, fellowship and praise God for all He is doing. I hope you feel like you can see God working in our lives because He is!

How can I pray for you?

Thanks again.

Peace,

Calvin

Side note: The picture of Kermit came from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History in Washington, DC. I went there for New Year’s.