Recently, I took a personality test and one of the results said that I have a depressive tendency. Oh I should qualify, I am not seeking pity or any response like that. This post is really for me to get my thoughts down in writing so I can reflect and perhaps go back at a later time to draw conclusions. If this entry helps you in any way, then praise God for that.
Ok back to my result. its interesting because i never thought about my depressive tendencies until that test. but it made sense and it's nights like tonight that really confirm it. (stress from school, work...life.) I don't understand how when I'm not sad I have such hope even when i'm against all odds, but once sadness gets mixed in, i'm a wet tissue and it seems like the hope of God I so strongly held on to before, crumbles before me hands. It's no less real when I'm sad, yet it's almost like I never knew it.
This really points to how I havent submitted everything in my life to God and how a part of me is clinging on to an alternate (false) reality that holds up something higher than God (myself probably) and that thing (about me), whatever it is, is being attacked and i don't like that and so i crawl into myself and I throw a pity party to console that part of me rather than cling to the more-than-sufficient hope that is in Christ.
I do wish I could overcome this. I wish that in times of sadness i could reflect on how God has delivered me from many things, namely myself and believe that whatever I am holding on to will not bring me true joy, peace or self-worth. Yet, I linger in my pity and coddle and baby my wretched sinful self. I tell myself there is something I can do to be better or that I deserve something. The reality is that I don't and that there really is nothing I can do to make myself better. But God can make me better because he already has. His death and resurrection has given my true worth and until i fully embrace that reality i will always be a half-opened wound that is just dying to bleed at the slightest injury. its scary thinking about that and me being a pastor.
Pray for me, please.
